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Once upon a wish...
Hello! Life has been ok lately...just really busy. I'm recovering from some strain of the flu--more than likely swine because two people I went on an university trip with have been diagnosed with the swine flu. So, sweet! It hasn't been so bad...just annoying more than anything.

So, about the subject. It has finally hit me that I will not be in WV this time next year. I'm kinda freaking out, actually because I don't know exactly where I'll be. So now, I'm kinda seeing this guy...he's super sweet and really cool to hang out with, but I'm just not attracted to him the way he is to me. I think part of it is due to the fact that he is really nice. I truly am only attracted to demeaning, sarcastic, and hard-shelled guys that have a soft heart deep down, but only show it at imperative times. Does that make sense? Haha....I can't be with a typical romantic shining knight in armor...they are flattering at first, but then after awhile, where is the chase? I dono...this whole dating someone whom I thought I've always wanted is a real eye-opener. It makes me regret some of my past and at the same time, hope for the future.

So what is love? There are many different types. What about soulmate love? How does that differ from lust and infatuation? I think the answer to these questions will become clearer as I get older, but it still doesn't hurt to wonder, right?? I think too much sometimes.

Anyways, I hope all is well with everyone...love you guys <333

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: blank blank
Current Music: Jeff Dunham Show

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Just a warning: I wrote this entry for me in order to get some things off my chest...

It's funny how a person can mean so much to you one day and then absolutely nothing to you the next. I do believe, my friend, that our relationship is officially over. Was it something you said? No. If only it was just that. I've tried to be your friend even after the whole dating thing---and I always end up being hurt while you end up smiling.

Instead of blaming you, which would be the easiest route and would make the most sense, I blame myself---thus causing me more pain. In reality, you could care less about me. You say you love me, but even a robot can say those three little words. You know how to pull those strings on my heart and you also know how to break me down. In a sense, you are able to control me. Not anymore tho....sorry pal. I will no longer rely on you for anything....not even if you were the only one that could save me.

Unfortunately, I promised you that if you ever needed anything, I would always be there. I never break promises, so if you ever need me, I will be there......not as a lover or a best friend, but as a caring lady in Christ.

Goodbye old friend.
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So, every now and then I get strange urges to try new things, but not just new things..potentially dangerous things. In the past, it has ranged from hiking with bears to swimming in the ocean before a big storm to climbing to the top of lighthouses (especially haunted ones) to walking at night on the rail trail with the hobos to playing basketball during a lightning storm. Haha...wish I was kidding on this one, but no. Well, today I decided to rent a kayak and teach myself how it works. I went to Cheat Lake...a fairly quiet, but large lake that has no real dangers.

I got myself out on the water with no help and did fine for the first 5 minutes. BTW, I brought my blackberry and keys with me---not the brightest idea. The keys and phone were wrapped in...get this....a zip lock bag, a grocery bag, and a mini backpack. Thank goodness these bags never sank or got wet...God was truly looking out for me.

Anyways, so good for first 5 minutes. Then I began to lose my balance and tipped. At that point, I was in the middle of the lake and about 1/4 mile from shore. So, I attempted to climb back in the kayak.....FAIL. The kayak was full of water and yeah...I ain't small enough to climb back into the thing without a ground to push up on. BTW, when I tipped for the first time, I lost my favorite pair of sunglasses and earrings...another FAIL.

So I tie my kayak to some random person's boat that is docked and swim back to shore one-handed because in my other hand is that mini backpack and what I thought was my ruined phone and keys. I make it back to shore to be surrounded by ducks...FAIL. I climb up onto one of the ramp docks and walk back to my kayak. When I get there, there are 3 lesbians docking their boat. They pass me and head to the bar while I'm getting my kayak out of the water. Once I got it out, I debated whether to give up or try it again. I decided to try it again because it was such a beautiful day and who gives up after the first try anyways?

Well, at this point I'm carrying my kayak to the end of the dock to launch it back in the water and the lesbians come ask me if I need help. I thanked them and said no, but they insisted. So, one of them grabs my kayak while the other holds the floating ramp down into the water. Then, I accidentally hit the chick who was carrying my kayak with my paddle. FAIL. I said sorry and they pushed me and my kayak off into the water....creating another successful launch! It was like those 3 girls had saved my life or something...they helped me so much and what did I do in return? Hit one of them in the face with my paddle.

So, round 2. I'm in the kayak and everything is fine. I paddled about a mile or so from shore and was out on the lake for like 2 hours. No tipping.....until I got back to shore. So, I was near the shore, but still in deep water when I crashed into some docked boats while these two surfer dudes (why they were in WV, I have no clue) watched. Needless to say, I tipped right in front of them. One thing I forgot to mention was that during round 2, I tied that backpack to my lifesuit so that if I tipped, it wouldn't float away or sink. Smart idea, right? FAIL. When I tipped the second time, the backpack got caught on the kayak and I was knocked in the head with the 50-60lb kayak and was then trapped underwater. So, I started panicking because I was stuck and needed oxygen. Finally, I jerked the backpack loose and was free. My head still hurts from that darn thing.

Wow this has been a long post. Hope you are mildly entertained. So, let's recap with some life lessons:
1. Don't kayak alone
2. Don't tie yourself to a boat of any kind because when it tips...you will die, get hit in the head, or both.
3. Always trust beer-drinking lesbians.
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...Goin' 100 in a 55 and I don't know why I'm still alive but I
Do what I can but I know I can't take anymore
I still believe in this rock and roll
And I pray the music gonna save my soul
But till then I still believe some things are just meant to be..

I have been really depressed this whole summer it seems like. During the work week I really don't have time to be depressed because I work 12-14 hours a day, but at night and on the weekends, I'm slowly beginning to realize that this world is not forever and that there is so much that I need to do while I'm here. I'm also realizing that times are getting worse and that I need to become closer to God---that is the only way I'm going to make it. That is the only reason I'm here and the only reason I live, but lately that just doesn't seem to be the case. I'm making this life about me---doing what I think needs to be done---and ignoring some of God's guidance. I'm sorry Lord.

Honestly, I've taken a few vacations this summer to escape these feelings and they definately have helped, but when I come back to Morgantown, the cycle starts repeating. I truly am starting to believe that I need to seek a master's degree far away somewhere, but then there are some days when I HAVE to go see my family because home sickness sets in. My parents are getting older and Jeff needs guidance....should I stay close to WV? If I did, would it truly be for my best interest? Once again I'm thinking of just me.

I'm in need of some major soul searching. Lately I've just been molding my personality around the people I work with....although amazing at times, I'm losing myself to someone I don't recognize much anymore. Maybe I'll go ponder life somewhere this weekend...all I know is that something needs to change becasue I truly can't take much more.

Hope everything is well with everyone else! <3


Current Location: motown
Current Mood: cynical cynical
Current Music: "100 in a 55" --Pop Evil

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So, I'm still in Hilton Head, SC but I had to document some funny stories before I forgot them! On Sunday June 15th, we headed to Jekyll Island in Georgia. On the way, we saw a billboard that said "Relieve Yourself" and showed a picture of a m-16 gun underneath. The billboard was for a gun store at the next exit, but I just found it ironic that the wording and the picture of the gun were 10 times bigger than "go to the whatever gunstore." Haha. Also, El cheapo gas is very popular in Georgia. Let's see...hmm...tons of palm trees :) lol....Well, we after we get to our hotel on Jekyll Island, we see 5 cats sleeping under some brush. I was so shocked to see these cats on an island that I almost missed the racoon that was laying with them. Sooo strange! I really liked Jekyll Island because of its remoteness. There are only 8 hotels, 12 restaurants, 1 gas station, no traffic lights, and tons of animals....I mean TONS. One morning around 8am, I wanted to go in the Atlantic Ocean for a quick swim when I saw a tanish sharp-pointed fin pop out of the water 2 feet in front of me about 1/4 mile from the shore. After talking wih a local, it was determined that it was a baby black-tip shark. We saw tons of dolphins, crabs, shrimp, oysters, clams, sea turtles, squirrels, alligator warning signs, egrets, sea gulls, herons, horses, and of course, cats. Speaking of wildlife, we went on a nature tour on St. Simon Island which is about an hour north of Jekyll Island. This tour was a private tour with just my family and a sailor on his fishing boat. The sailor was a very interesting man to say the least. He had lived in Georgia his whole life and has driven many boats for people--rich and poor. He lost his pinkey finger shark fishing when he caught a full grown black-tip shark. He told us some great stories! This was a 2 hour trip around the islands off the coast of Georgia where we saw several dolphins and a couple of baby sharks. He said that he's seen manatees, sting rays, alligators, and like 20 different types of sharks where we were. HOW AWESOME?!? I had no idea that alligators could survive in salt water, I was wrong. Anyways, while we were at St. Simon's Island, I conquered one of my fears---kinda. I climbed to the top of a haunted lighthouse by myslef. A very creepy spiral staircase consisting of 114 stairs lead to the top of the St. Simon's Lighthouse. It's haunted because in the early 1900s, an assitant killed the lighthouse keeper because of something he said about the assitant's wife. The keeper's footsteps can be heard while in the lighthouse.

Shew! That's a long first paragraph. So, I almost got kicked out of our hotel at Jekyll Island for being barefoot and proud! Haha...it would've been so worth it! Hmm...well, onto Savannah, Ga. This was a very interesting old town. It kinda reminds me of New Orleans with its many pubs/bars and cobble roads. We went to Paula Dean's restaurant--Lady and Sons to try to make reservations at 9:30am and the line for reservations was a block and a half long......JUST TO MAKE RESERVATIONS. So, we came back at 11:30 when they actually opened and the only times they had left were 5 & 8pm. We said no thanks and went to the gift store instead....we missed the deep fried butter, but the store was awesome! We ate lunch at 5 guys and it was amazing! It ended up being free because they forgot about our order for like 10 minutes! Love free food! We then went shopping on River Street where some people were making things out of palm leaves and selling them. It was like 100 degrees with 100% humidity, so we stayed til 3pm or so and left. 

On to hilton head, sc on June 17th. We arrived at the Holiday Inn Resort and were greeted to way too much kindness. As we pulled up to go check-in, some guy opened my door while I was looking at a map and then proceeded to open my mom and dad's door. Then he offered to take all of our stuff to our room and to help us move in. This was so strange to me. I took it almost as an insult as if I couldn't do it myself. I am just not used to people "serving" me....so strange. I really don't care for Hilton Head that much. It's too crowded and there is a toll for EVERYTHING! Like to go eat, you have to pay a toll....to go shop, you have to pay a toll. WTF?!?!?! A funny thing tho was when mom saw 2 poodles in a car with the window cracked. She started writing down the plate number of the car and was going to call the police for animal abuse. Well, the owner of the car started coming back to the car and saw her doing writing down his number. He yelled at her saying that she didn't need to write his number down. He was pissed and mom just said well, you shouldn't leave the dogs in the car. She still wants to call the police, but I think we talked her out of it! Ha! Then today, we were coming out of a fabulous bbq place when this group of people from Kentucky came cheering at us. He saw dad's WVU sticker on the back of his car and he told us that WVU was the only team he could beat Tennessee with on his fantasy football game. His familly  took a picture of him in front of our van doing the thumbs it. Haha..it was quite possibly the funniest thing ever! Now, we are at the hotel watching 100 lifegaurds learn how to swim. This is the craziest island I've ever been to.

That's all for now. I'll update you if anything spectacular happens. I will be heading back to WV on Saturday :)

Current Location: Hiton Head, SC
Current Mood: calm calm
Current Music: Jeopardy

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...Who has to know
The way she feels inside (inside)
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny)
These sleeping thoughts won't lie (won't lie)
And all I've tried to hide
It's eating me apart
Trace this life out.. All American Rejects - Dirty little secret

I.like.you.a.lot....and I really wish I knew why....

Love you guys!
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I NEVER get on here! I really do need to vent more instead of making my self sick with emotions. Well...let's see...a lot has happened since my last entry..lol..I got a bunny! She is possibly the cutest thing in the world and is helping get through some things right now. Recently I have had to tell my best friend how much I hate what she has become and how our friendship has pretty much disappeared. It is really hard saying goodbye to someone who've you been friends with for 15 years. My outlook is: Sometimes goodbye is a second chance to start an even stronger relationship. I'm hoping that is what happens anyways. As of now we haven't talked in several days. Let's see! What else happened? My aunt is practically homeless now and just might have to move in with us X_X My dad lost quite a bit of money out of his retirement because of gay Verizon. Jeff is a volunteer firefighter and has actually turned out into a decent person! Corey is joining the navy. My mom is looking for a new job. Hmm...yeah...I'm so glad I have my bunny with me now! :) Haha! She still has no name...I guess bunny just might have to suit her! Haha! Well I guess I should hop off here. I have to go to work tomorrow! Adios!

Current Location: Motown
Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: My bunny hopping around

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So, life at the moment is going pretty good I guess. Just busy as usual. Even tho it stays pretty busy....I still have this overwhelming sense of loneliness. It's like everyday my bed get bigger and bigger and I feel like something is missing...like I need someone to stay and protect me. I know that sounds gay, but I've never felt this way before. Maybe it's just because tonight is a full moon...who knows. It is just finally hitting me that I am all alone. Ironically, I didn't feel this way during the summer when I technically was all by myself, but now I'm reminded of it everyday. Oh wells...I have lots to be thankful for instead of throwing a self pity party. I hope your life is going good as well! :)

Current Location: home
Current Mood: lonely lonely

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So it''s been awhile, but up until this week, things have been pretty good. To start off my week this week, I went hiking in Saborton Sunday evening and on the way back, I saw a black head stick out of some tall grass and I thought it  was a dog, so I walked towards it and called "doggy"...when I got within a few feet, it took off up the hill and it certainly wasn't no dog...it was a black baby bear cub!! And everyone knows where baby bear is, momma bear isn't far behind. I can honestly say that is the scaredest I have EVER been...I broke down into tears and ran all the way home (what u rn't suppost to do----run). So then, Monday I was at the Kia dealership getting my car fixed for 2 hours and was late for work because of it. Then on thursday, I noticed that I had a nail in my tire and it was almost flat, so I had to get that fixed. Then, I was suppost to go to Petersburg today with Sarah, but Megan's grandmother (one of the most "Christ-like" individuals I know) died Friday night. So, now I'm in SA for the weekend and just kinda trying to recover from this crazy week. Only through Christ will things get better....but I thank Him so much for giving me the chance to get to know Megan's wonderful grandma...she truly is amazing! <33 RIP

Current Mood: melancholy melancholy

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Hewwoo Popets! Life has been flying by recently and ever so busy. Today, I got an email that told me that I got the job as a Cartographer Technician with the NRCS that pays $12 an hour in motown! This totally brightened my week a lil. This past weekend Megan's grandpa died and it has been really hard trying to keep her spirits up, but she is such a strong girl and I know everything will work out. One really weird coincedence is that my mom is taking care of Megan's grandma in the hospital! lol...
Anyways, Stacy finally got a job and I'm so happy for her because she is doing something she loves to do! I think almost all of my friends are doing pretty well nowadays :O) thank God! I was pretty stoked about moving to motown for the summer, but now I'm kinda indifferent because I finally realize that I will be away from almost all of the people I love. But, I guess that means that I will just appreciate them more! My brother, Corey, of whom I haven't seen in quite some time (except for 2 weeks ago) is in town and I'm soo pumped to reunite with him...he's such a great kid! I'm also pretty pumped for Vandalia this weekend! I have a friend coming in from Nashville to perform and I'm sooo excited to see her and introduce her to my lovely mother! Sure to be a good time, so you all should go and check it out! Well..I think I'm gonna go and be productive now...bye byes!

Current Location: home
Current Mood: crazy crazy
Current Music: "Abracadabra" --Steve Miller Band

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